Am i being unreasonable

[Redblueyellow8]

Me and my partner have been saving for a house we still live with parents .... yet today I've now found out hes now bought his own house for him . . Not for us ... but he still wants us to together... is this man deluded.
Why say ones thing and do another
Used money that was to be ours for a deposit . Heartbroken

 

[ChubClubThug]

So he used money from you to get together a deposit, he went behind your back and spent the money on a house of his choice, he still wants you living there to help pay the bills, all under his say so and control as it's his house, but you're not named on the mortgage?!

He has essentially STOLEN from you! Spent your money without your permission To buy a house in secret would take some doing, he's lied to you for months! I'd be out of there you can't trust him an inch

 

[Raininvain]

Tell him he either gives you the money back now or your going to the Police and a solicitor tomorrow and your going to take legal action against him.Hes screwed you over and is now trying to manipulate you. Hes not a decent person.

 

[CynicalV]

This is extremely disturbing, controlling behaviour. All wrapped up in the guise of it being for you, so that if you don't want it you seem ungrateful and start doubting yourself until you just accept it. If he's willing to make your first huge venture and decision as a couple together completely on his own, what's to stop him from making all further decisions? Financially, emotionally, he can manipulate the situation so you completely depend on him. I know you must not want to stay with your parents much longer, but I implore you to until you can get out of this situation.

 

[Redblueyellow8]

Thank you all he doesnt see an issue.. all he says is hes doing this for our future .... how is it our future when he is dictating what we have. He was paying into the savings more than I could afford ( he has a more high paying job ) but I still out absolutely every penny I could I just feel stupid this has happened to me . I have told him I want my money back but all he says is this is our future

 

[hiya_hun]

Thank you all he doesnt see an issue.. all he says is hes doing this for our future .... how is it our future when he is dictating what we have. He was paying into the savings more than I could afford ( he has a more high paying job ) but I still out absolutely every penny I could I just feel stupid this has happened to me . I have told him I want my money back but all he says is this is our future

Honestly I think you need to be going to the police about it. Do you have proof of your payments into the joint savings account? How much had you paid in and how much was his deposit?

This is definately not legal and is disgusting behaviour!

 

[ChubClubThug]

Wtf?! Who even does that. Id be fuming and expecting the money back I put in for the deposit.

Damn right! I'd be ready to murder I think I'd be reporting him to the police for theft!

When you save for a deposit you have to prove where the money has come from too. It's a criminal offence to get a deposit under false pretences. Even if someone gifts it to you you have to have proof from a solicitor.

 

[bubblebar1317]

Thank you all he doesnt see an issue.. all he says is hes doing this for our future .... how is it our future when he is dictating what we have. He was paying into the savings more than I could afford ( he has a more high paying job ) but I still out absolutely every penny I could I just feel stupid this has happened to me . I have told him I want my money back but all he says is this is our future

Nope, don’t let him away with that. He’s trying to control you! As everyone’s said he has essentially stolen from you, I’d try get some legal advice on this - however that’s a route that perhaps if you go down your relationship goes down the pan too which tbh considering his behaviour is a good thing.

You deserve more than this, communication and trust is key and he’s proven there’s none of that there.

 

[Victoria sponge cake]

So sorry this happened to you! You’re definitely not being unreasonable! He took your shared money and used it for himself, that’s a massive red flag I’d be absolutely furious!

 

[waffledog]

Did you pay by bank transfer etc, if so there would be a trail to show it was paid from you.

He is trying to control you. I think you know the answer yourself that's why you've posted on here. Get him and his controlling nature out of your life.

 

[Chillipepppaaaaaa]

What on earth... red flag!!! Dodgy as anything. Regardless of the money that is one whopping secret to keep from you which is not healthy and worrying... I don’t know your relationship but from the sound of this post alone - get out NOW!

 

[bubblebar1317]

I’m so sorry this happened to you! Sounds awful. Did he have any explanation as to why he did this? My ex used to dangle this infront of me I hadn’t quite saved enough for a deposit right there and then but he had more than enough, my mum swiftly reminded me that if I did move in and essentially pay rent to him, he held all the power.

This would be a red flag for me, have you spoken to friends or family? Also if that’s half your money I’d raise serious hell!

 

[ChubClubThug]

Thank you all he doesnt see an issue.. all he says is hes doing this for our future .... how is it our future when he is dictating what we have. He was paying into the savings more than I could afford ( he has a more high paying job ) but I still out absolutely every penny I could I just feel stupid this has happened to me . I have told him I want my money back but all he says is this is our future

I could take a guess and say there are a lot more things wrong with this relationship, things you're not comfortable with, this being the last straw for you. Don't call yourself stupid, you're far from it. He's a total manipulator and the one at fault here. People like that tie you up in knots and make you doubt yourself, break your self esteem. It's a horrible thing to experience.

Thank you for sharing this with us all. I hope it's made you feel a bit better to know that even strangers are on your side and here to listen. I'd deffo get some legal advice on this one if he's not listening to you.

 

[Suzesnooze]

This is awful, so sorry to read it. How are you now, hope you ok? Can you give us an update? X

The poster had another thread in May about her ex that she had only split up with in 2019 moving on with another woman so seems odd she was now with someone else and they were saving for a house together? It can't have been a long relationship as she was still hung up on the ex in May this year?!

 

[Meh]

Nope, don’t let him away with that. He’s trying to control you! As everyone’s said he has essentially stolen from you, I’d try get some legal advice on this - however that’s a route that perhaps if you go down your relationship goes down the pan too which tbh considering his behaviour is a good thing.

You deserve more than this, communication and trust is key and he’s proven there’s none of that there.

Yeah I’m pretty sure when we bought our place we both had to prove where the deposit came from. I.e we both had to show our bank statements with payments into our savings.

I would STRONGLY recommend you take legal advice on this ASAP. He’s stolen your money. I know he’s your bf and you may not want to think down these lines but you must protect yourself.

Whether you saved £5 or £50k he has NO right to take that from you.

Was the money in a joint account? With both names?

 

[Jelly Bean]

So he went out to viewings and bought the house without consulting you at all? And then kept it secret all through the legal stuff? Mind blowing. He must know you want an equal say in all the decisions? As it will be your home.
He *might* just be incredibly thoughtless and not deceitful (being very generous here) but do you really want a future with a person like that? Somebody so good at being so secretive would concern me very much.

 

[Raininvain]

If it was your money hes taken then I'd be getting it back or else..then you need to leave him. Seriously hes fucked you over.

 

[tiddles]

I'm sorry this isn't making sense. Was this money in a joint account? The money just isn't removed from an account instantaneously when a house is bought. It sits in the solicitors account for some time. At what point did you notice the money was missing?

 

[Ranty McRantington]

I would be asking for the money back ASAP.

My other half bought a house a few months before we became 'serious' or serious enough to be even thinking about moving in together.

He was in the army at the time and I lived on my own in rented accommodation.

It wasn't initially an issue as he was planning on renting it straight out and not living in it. However I became pregnant about 6 months later before we had finished renovations (I say 'we' as he was away 85% of the time so I oversaw everything and chose most of the fixtures and fittings).

We ended up moving into the house together. We're still here now, but honestly it is one of the biggest regrets of my life. We haven't had many, but when we've had serious arguments he always says 'you can move out if you're not happy', and it's very much at the forefront of my mind that none of it is 'mine'. Now I haven't contributed to the mortgage, or much of the bills either, if I'm honest. I refused to pay a penny to the mortgage unless we had a contract drawn to that states I was going to be included on it or entitled to something should anything happen. I mean the financial arrangement works for us, but still I absolutely hate the fact that it's not officially mine.

So please don't move into the house with him. If he's done this behind your back already, this would be serious red flags for me.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest xxx

 

[erin182]

Wtf?! Who even does that. Id be fuming and expecting the money back I put in for the deposit.