Advice on sexuality confusion...

[CosmicCreepers]

Hi everyone,

This is my first thread but I've posted on here quite a few times. I've decided to choose this forum over anywhere else to post this because I feel more open with the anonymity.

So I'm 19 and female, and have been extremely confused about my sexuality since the age of 12. For about 4 years, I thought/convinced myself I was a lesbian as I was too intimidated by boys at school and found myself looking more at girls than boys. At age 16, when I went to college, I developed a huge crush on a particular boy but he soon came out as gay so I knew I didn't stand a chance at developing a romantic relationship with him. Then, at age 18, I went to university and suddenly started looking more at boys than girls. Then I developed a huge crush on a female friend. As you can tell already, this already is one big mess I ended up asking her on a date, which she politely declined as she didn't like me in that way. So I moved on, and eventually started going clubbing. I thought "Great, now I can finally see what I am." I ended up kissing quite a few guys over the course of a few months and I didn't feel disgusted or anything. I just felt nothing. Then I tried kissing a girl and felt the same. Nothing.

I know I'm not asexual (someone who experiences no sexual attraction/desire) as I definitely have desires etc. I've still not had sex or got past kissing. I feel so behind and scared. I've come out as bisexual because of what I've felt in the past. I just don't know anymore...I feel so lost and confused. I've always had a dream of getting married and having children, I've always wanted that. I just don't know whether I am really gay, or I just am actually bisexual and need to stop worrying. I don't dare get with a guy in case I end up sleeping with him and hating it (although the thought of it is desirable to me) because that would be so hurtful to him

Don't laugh but I've also considered seeing a male escort, because then, no one is gonna get hurt? Has anyone else had this? I feel like 7 years is way too long for me to still be unsure. I'm still at university and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I'm so stressed out. I feel so different to all my friends, no matter whether they're straight, gay or bi, because they've got it all figured out (or so it seems).

Sorry for the long rant, and thanks for taking the time to read all this mess

 

[No style rocky]

I may not be helpful what about an a-romantic

Sorry I coped a sub Reddit but it didn’t copy well!!



And btw you’re not a mess. As long as you’re not hurting anyone just be you! Xx

 

[Chasing_pavements]

Have a look at Ruby Rare on Insta. She is pretty great at discussing sexuality. You don’t sound a mess at all. Sending you love x x

 

[PineappleQueen19]

I feel so different to all my friends, no matter whether they're straight, gay or bi, because they've got it all figured out (or so it seems).

Trust me, they don’t have it figured out, no matter how much it seems the case.

But most importantly: please be kind to yourself. Putting pressure on yourself to definitively figure this out will not help at all. Go gently. I know it’s easier said than done but the sooner you make peace with the fact that there may never be a neat category you fall into, the sooner you will be able to grow into who you are.

And on a practical note please know that consent can always be withdrawn at any point so never feel bad for changing your mind about something in the moment if it doesn’t feel right. You’re not letting anyone down.

 

[SisterBliss]

My advice to you is to relax. It appears that you are indeed bisexual, as in you have been sexually attracted to people of both sexes. This is a good place to be in because you have a wider choice of potential partners, but I can imagine it would be difficult to try and visualise the future and the stereotypical relationship you might end up in. A heterosexual woman or girl typically thinks about getting married to a guy and having children with him one day, while a lesbian women might think about a different family structure in her future, where a donor would be needed etc. The wonderful thing about living in the 21st century is that the prejudices against same sex couples are mainly gone so you needn’t worry about that side of things. Who knows what sex the person you fall in love will be? In the end it doesn’t really matter, because love is about friendship and partnership and weathering life’s challenges together, that much you can look forward to even if you can’t be certain whether your partner will be a man or a woman. For now, if I were you, I’d try to take pressure off myself. You don’t have to be having sex or dating constantly. We live in a hyper sexualised culture that is obsessed with labels and sex for sex sake and it’s all a bit ridiculous. I’m heterosexual and I kissed guys and felt nothing. This is because I didn’t really like them. It sounds like this might have happened to you. Wait for the butterflies, be prepared to kiss many frogs until you find your prince or a princess, take it easy, use protection when you do decide to be intimate with someone, and enjoy your youth. I wish you all the best! xx

 

[Pineapple22]

I think you definitely need to go easier on yourself. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you and it's totally ok that you don't have everything figured out yet. You're only 19, just do what makes you happy and see where it ends up. It might mean dating somebody briefly before you change your mind, but if that happens then just be honest and say it isn't working out for you. It's disappointing but it's the whole point of dating - to see if you're compatible with somebody in a number of ways. As long as you're honest with people then you can do no more. Good luck

 

[dontgetit]

Hi, stop overthinking it all, just go with whatever presents itself.

What will be, will be. Most of us don't have a clue!

When the time is right for you to meet someone, you will.

You are so young, don't panic!

xx

 

[Dizzy]

Relax, enjoy what comes your way, if you don't like one thing you can try something else. There is no right or wrong, there is just you. I envy you being young and having all this time for fun in front of you! Please keep talking on here if it helps you though x

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Don’t they call it sexual fluidity these days? You don’t need to label anything. You might be gay, straight, bi - who knows
Just relax and fall for whoever feels right to you.
I understand at your age it might feel all consuming but try to concentrate on other aspects of your life and this will all fall in place

 

[Youtubegossip]

Hi everyone,

This is my first thread but I've posted on here quite a few times. I've decided to choose this forum over anywhere else to post this because I feel more open with the anonymity.

So I'm 19 and female, and have been extremely confused about my sexuality since the age of 12. For about 4 years, I thought/convinced myself I was a lesbian as I was too intimidated by boys at school and found myself looking more at girls than boys. At age 16, when I went to college, I developed a huge crush on a particular boy but he soon came out as gay so I knew I didn't stand a chance at developing a romantic relationship with him. Then, at age 18, I went to university and suddenly started looking more at boys than girls. Then I developed a huge crush on a female friend. As you can tell already, this already is one big mess I ended up asking her on a date, which she politely declined as she didn't like me in that way. So I moved on, and eventually started going clubbing. I thought "Great, now I can finally see what I am." I ended up kissing quite a few guys over the course of a few months and I didn't feel disgusted or anything. I just felt nothing. Then I tried kissing a girl and felt the same. Nothing.

I know I'm not asexual (someone who experiences no sexual attraction/desire) as I definitely have desires etc. I've still not had sex or got past kissing. I feel so behind and scared. I've come out as bisexual because of what I've felt in the past. I just don't know anymore...I feel so lost and confused. I've always had a dream of getting married and having children, I've always wanted that. I just don't know whether I am really gay, or I just am actually bisexual and need to stop worrying. I don't dare get with a guy in case I end up sleeping with him and hating it (although the thought of it is desirable to me) because that would be so hurtful to him

Don't laugh but I've also considered seeing a male escort, because then, no one is gonna get hurt? Has anyone else had this? I feel like 7 years is way too long for me to still be unsure. I'm still at university and I know I have my whole life ahead of me but I'm so stressed out. I feel so different to all my friends, no matter whether they're straight, gay or bi, because they've got it all figured out (or so it seems).

Sorry for the long rant, and thanks for taking the time to read all this mess

Don’t feel like you have to rush or label yourself. Just go with the flow and what you feel like at the time and you’ll figure things out for yourself. As long as no one is getting hurt I don’t think you need to label it.

 

[DietGossip]

You're definitely putting way too much pressure on yourself!

You're already comfortable with being bi, so maybe just step back and take some time for yourself where you're not thinking about being in a relationship or dating and become more comfortable with the idea of being bisexual, and then when you're ready you can start dating.

 

[Mayday]

I agree with others as to not put so much pressure on it. I know having a label is good for convenience, but I think labels can change over time with sexuality being fluid, and thats valid.

I would just suggest joining your uni's LGBT+ group, if they have one. It would give you a chance to talk to others about how you are feeling who understand, and in a safe space? There's also a good chance that you might meet people who you are sexually or romantically interested in there too, if you did want to sleep with someone to see if you enjoy it. I know you're worried about them or yourself getting hurt, but I think hook ups are fine as long as both people are going into it with the same expectations, which (usually) at Uni a lot of people are.

Its also possible that you could be demiromantic or demisexual, where you feel you need a connection with someone before 'hooking up' or sleeping with them, which may be why you didn't really feel anything from when you kissed people before.

 

[saboodles78]

It's good to get it off your chest and like another poster said, your friends might seem like they have it figured it out but may just be in denial, don't feel like you need to pigeon hole yourself. We live in a society these days where (for the most part) a large spectrum of sexual identities is a) recognized and b) really well supported whether it online or in local groups. I don't mean to sound patronizing, 19 is still young in trying to 'figure things out' as it were, and you've seemed to explore many angles.
Take the pressure off yourself and don't feel you need to define yourself. Go live your life and I would be fairly confident that one day something (or someone) will just make sense

 

[Apple In My Pie]

Relax and enjoy it!!! I’m 20 and like you I flip flopped my sexuality for years and years, at 11 I thought I was bi, when I went to college I identified as a lesbian, then had a crush on a boy (and got rejected) and now I identify proudly as bisexual although have a female lean there’s no need to pressure yourself, you don’t need to label yourself or justify that label to anybody - just enjoy loving people and see where it takes you.

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

I agree with everyone... take it easy on yourself. You sound young as well which usually means your body is always encountering a barrage of hormonal changes which, from experience, never helps matters!

It’s worth considering why it’s so important to label yourself as a particular thing? Does this stem from not feeling included rather than a strong desire to understand?

I’m a proud bisexual but my persuasions have veered from mainly men to mainly women and back over time and my sexuality definitely has a fluidity to it.

Don’t fret over who you’re attracted to, just enjoy the attraction (I so miss those first attraction butterflies!) and try and understand why the label is important to you.

It might be worth looking for LGBTQ+ safe spaces you can go and meet other people on the sexuality spectrum.

Good luck!

 

[Titntat]

You dont need to put a label on it. You will know when you fall for someone. If you want to try and experiment (sounds so corney) duck if your only young! Just do what you want to do.

 

[MaeveWiley]

Sexuality is fluid ! Don't ever be embattassrf about it. And you're only 19, you're only a kid! You've your whole life ahead of you to explore. Maybe see a sex therapist about it you want ??

I work in HC and I'm 29 and Im still confused about my own sexuality sometimes lol.

When it comes to men I'm demi sexual. So I have to like the personality then I might develop a crush.. I never went to a club and kissed some random guy cause I've never fancied anyone before knowing them ! I had a guy who looked like Oliver Jackson Cohen and it was like I never saw how hot he was.. until I got to know him I was like omgggg lol

I'm sexually attracted to women but would never act on it cause I tried it once and it wasn't for me. I do notice both genders but because I would never act on it to others I would never classify myself as a bisexual.

Everyone is different !

 

[MaeveWiley]

Sexuality is fluid ! Don't ever be embattassrf about it. And you're only 19, you're only a kid! You've your whole life ahead of you to explore. Maybe see a sex therapist about it you want ??

I work in HC and I'm 29 and Im still confused about my own sexuality sometimes lol.

When it comes to men I'm demi sexual. So I have to like the personality then I might develop a crush.. I never went to a club and kissed some random guy cause I've never fancied anyone before knowing them ! I had a guy who looked like Oliver Jackson Cohen and it was like I never saw how hot he was.. until I got to know him I was like omgggg lol

I'm sexually attracted to women but would never act on it cause I tried it once and it wasn't for me. I do notice both genders but because I would never act on it to others I would never classify myself as a bisexual.

Everyone is different !

Bloody hell embarrassed lol I shouldn't be on here on work breaks but here I am