Advice on alcohol

[Maxine1974]

Hey never used this forum for advice but thought it was probably worth a go.

I’ll try keep it brief to keep it simple...

I like a drink. Always have. I’m not a huge drinker nowadays but I still enjoy a few.

My husband is tea total.
He hasn’t always been, but def since we have been together over 12 years.

In a nutshell he really dislikes drinking and people who do. He thinks there piss heads, have no control, it’s sad etc etc. He doesn’t see why people need/want to.

So here’s the main issue. Knowing he hates it so much i don’t drink a lot these days. But on a Friday eve I love to cook a nice dinner and have a bottle of wine (1 full bottle)
This makes me relaxed, chilled and maybe a tiny bit merry. Definitely not pissed, drunk or incoherent.

(Sorry it’s long)

He doesn’t like drinking in general as it changes people etc but in his defensive we do have a bit of chaotic house hold. Our eldest daughter has MH issues and can be a handful but I’m never “out of it” or unable to function or react in a crisis after the amount of alcohol I have. But he thinks it’s wrong and I shouldn’t drink, and he feels he’s the only one coherent incase of emergency. I disagree as I always feel ok and in control. (I know I couldn’t drive but he can)

He goes on about this constantly and makes a huge deal of it.

What do you guys think? I‘m not asking for a who’s right just some perspective on it.

Literally after a tit week all I look forward to is some nice food and wine. I feel so sad that I have to give this up to make him happy.

 

[Guiltypleasure]

You shouldn’t have to give up a bottle of wine on a Friday night to make him happy. As you say you’re not drinking to get pissed, it’s one bottle over an evening which is completely normal!
I think you need to explain it to him now you have on here but don’t give in. It’s not like you’re out on the lash and come stumbling home in the early hours off your face.

 

[Gembo]

Do you know what his reason is for feeling like this? Has he had issues in his life with other people who have had problems with alcohol?

 

[Caffeine Fiend]

You say you’re not drunk or incoherent. Does he think you are? Or is he just completely anti alcohol?

Has he always been tee total and you’ve always liked to drink or has that changed?

Im the same as you, I like to have 2 or 3 gins in the house maybe once or twice a week, I do measure them too so theyre proper measures. My OH while not tee total wouldnt often have a drink in the house. He prefers to have a takeaway for his vice. He does sometimes comment on it but I’m not reliant on it in any way and if I couldn’t have one I couldn’t care less. It wouldn’t ruin my night or put me out. I actually didn’t have any alcohol the whole of June as I’m trying to exercise more.

 

[Platypusfattypus]

My husband drinks more then me but I don't see it as a problem because igs not every night, he isn't drinking to be drunk and there is me to drive if needs be. I think your bloke is being unreasonable. I think you need to find out why he feels this way

 

[Maxine1974]

You say you’re not drunk or incoherent. Does he think you are? Or is he just completely anti alcohol?

Has he always been tee total and you’ve always liked to drink or has that changed?

Im the same as you, I like to have 2 or 3 gins in the house maybe once or twice a week, I do measure them too so theyre proper measures. My OH while not tee total wouldnt often have a drink in the house. He prefers to have a takeaway for his vice. He does sometimes comment on it but I’m not reliant on it in any way and if I couldn’t have one I couldn’t care less. It wouldn’t ruin my night or put me out. I actually didn’t have any alcohol the whole of June as I’m trying to exercise more.

Don’t get me wrong in the past (many years ago now) at the odd wedding or birthday bash I’ve been pissed and acted like a bit of a dick (nothing too bad but to somebody sober it would be annoying I guess)
But no I am not drunk, but he thinks I’m drunk or could end up been. I agree with any more alcohol I would go from been merry and ok to pissed/not in control but I have told him i won’t do that due to our daughter and the fact he doesn’t like it (plus I’m not a teenager I don’t feel the need to be out of my tree or off my face etc I just like to relax)

Do you know what his reason is for feeling like this? Has he had issues in his life with other people who have had problems with alcohol?

His friend got stabbed one New Year’s Eve many years ago. He died. My hubby wasn’t there but alcohol was involved (basically everybody involved was drunk) it was an argument over a girl.
My hubby felt so bad he wasn’t there to help and has felt alcohol is a very negative thing since this.

 

[Gembo]

That sounds like it could have been a little bit traumatic for him and to an extent I can understand his feelings. Maybe you should talk to him and just reassure him that when you drink you never feel out of control and that he’s been with you enough now to know that it’s unlikely it would ever become a problem on one bottle of wine. Try and ask him what it is that worries him so much. I really can see where both of you are coming from so a good conversation is probably the best thing to try and have. Hope you can work things out.

 

[Raininvain]

He sounds controlling. Cant he go out for the evening and leave you to your wine in peace? Its not like your having loads. I know people who would have 4 bottles each and loads lines of coke etc and the evenings not over until they have all collapsed!.

 

[37BBL]

I kind of see it from each side now you have said what happened years ago with his friend. I have a sibling who is a recovering alcoholic. We aren't close anymore and rarely speak. Alcohol ruined her life, literally lost everything imaginable. I am always hopeful they stay on track and rebuild their life, they are 6 months sober now.
It completely changed my view on alcohol though. Don't get me wrong I still drink and I'm not tee total. I just have a different view on it. I have maybe 1 or 2 drinks every friday evening. I wouldn't judge anyone for drinking though, it just changed my view on it in a way I cannot really explain.
I would agree talking to your husband, perhaps he has never really dealt with the emotion of that incident xxx

 

[coconochanel]

It sounds to me that having a drink is your way of unwinding and relaxing and there's nothing wrong with that IMO, Its not like you are drinking every night. He's obviously got negative thoughts about drinking from his friend dying maybe you should have a chat with him.

 

[Dickydoo123]

Me & OH drink at weekends, nothing to make us pissed as we have a child but gin each, couple of wines and a meal for our down time together. My mum however doesn’t drink, but my dad does. It’s a bone of contention between them as she feels he shouldn’t ‘need’ drink. I believe my dad doesn’t need it just as my mum doesn’t ‘need’ her bar of chocolate as her treat at weekends. However, I do accept in the past my dad probably was a dick with drink but I’m talking back in the 80’s when pub vaults and a pint of bitter were a thing. I think you’re entitled to your treat / vice whatever you want to label it without being frowned upon. The incident with his friend is tragic and must play on his mind but that can’t be an excuse to then lay that at your door. Not related but a little bit: relation by marriage got killed in a motorcycle accident and the family hate motorbikes......if someone was in a car crash would people stop driving cars? Sorry gone off on a tangent there

 

[BettyCrocker]

Honestly, this is like a no win situation on both sides.

From his point of view, he has deep rooted issues with drinking and people under the influence. You know how he feels, but every Friday night you like to drink a bottle of wine, even though you are aware that this makes him upset/anxious/angry. He knows the same thing is going to happen, week in, week out. You may not think you are drunk or that your behaviour is altered but I can bet you, to a sober person, you will definitely be acting differently to how you normally would be. A bottle of wine is excessive - don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a drink and would happily do the same - but it is still an excessive amount to drink. Your drinking it because you like the effect - you like the relaxing/slightly tipsy feeling it gives you - essentially you are using alcohol as a crutch to enable you to relax but knowing that your partner has such an emotive response to your drinking, do you really relax and enjoy it - knowing he’s across the room feeling the way he does?

I’m just playing devil’s advocate- I don’t think either of you are in the right or wrong exclusively, you both have valid points but it’s never going to be resolved unless one of you wants to make a genuine change; either he seeks counselling to help with his issues around drinking or you make a change to your own drinking habits but if you do that, you have to do it for yourself- not just to appease someone else because that will only lead to resentment.

 

[cosmo girl]

My husband is the same. I only drink once a week unless going out. Friday night is my night. I think he's jealous of the prosecco. He doesn't drink. He does smoke. How I see it. He has his vice and I have mine. We all have a vice and all need something that makes us feel happy/unwind etc. I drink a bottle and don't feel guilty. My friends do the same. It's either Friday or a Saturday for my friends. It's about taking control of your life and what you want to do and makes you happy. Your husband seems to want to control you and your actions. It would be different if you was an abusive drunk. Then that would be a different story. Carry on and enjoy your wine. Tell your husband this is what makes me unwind and if you prefer I will drink in another room away from you, Like I do

 

[Kim Mild]

I think it depends on the likelihood of their being an emergency with your daughter. Is hubby hyper alert all the time or just when you've had wine

 

[Drea1984]

I hate being around people when they’re drunk. I can’t bear it. My partner drinks to excess every Saturday night. Nothing all week. It’s a huge bone of contention. I don’t want to be around it & to be honest it makes me anxious. I don’t like the change in people when they drink. I can’t see why he can’t have 2/3 pints & leave it at that

 

[Maxine1974]

I hate being around people when they’re drunk. I can’t bear it. My partner drinks to excess every Saturday night. Nothing all week. It’s a huge bone of contention. I don’t want to be around it & to be honest it makes me anxious. I don’t like the change in people when they drink. I can’t see why he can’t have 2/3 pints & leave it at that

Thank you for the reply it’s really interesting to hear it from the other way round. Can you say what you don’t like? Does he change? Or is it the fear he may change? Or is he just a pain in the arse

I think it depends on the likelihood of their being an emergency with your daughter. Is hubby hyper alert all the time or just when you've had wine

Hmmm he’s a fairy anxious person by nature tbh. But yes he’s more on edge when I drink. My daughter has never had an emergency so far (touch wood) but I appreciate there always a chance. But I suppose my argument is I’m never “pissed” just relaxed and I’m sure I’d soon sober up. It’s more my daughter has low spells and may need support/talking to but I’ve done this with or without a glass of wine in me and I’m never too drunk to be able to talk/see/think straight.

Honestly, this is like a no win situation on both sides.

From his point of view, he has deep rooted issues with drinking and people under the influence. You know how he feels, but every Friday night you like to drink a bottle of wine, even though you are aware that this makes him upset/anxious/angry. He knows the same thing is going to happen, week in, week out. You may not think you are drunk or that your behaviour is altered but I can bet you, to a sober person, you will definitely be acting differently to how you normally would be. A bottle of wine is excessive - don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a drink and would happily do the same - but it is still an excessive amount to drink. Your drinking it because you like the effect - you like the relaxing/slightly tipsy feeling it gives you - essentially you are using alcohol as a crutch to enable you to relax but knowing that your partner has such an emotive response to your drinking, do you really relax and enjoy it - knowing he’s across the room feeling the way he does?

I’m just playing devil’s advocate- I don’t think either of you are in the right or wrong exclusively, you both have valid points but it’s never going to be resolved unless one of you wants to make a genuine change; either he seeks counselling to help with his issues around drinking or you make a change to your own drinking habits but if you do that, you have to do it for yourself- not just to appease someone else because that will only lead to resentment.

Thank you I appreciate your fair opinions

 

[Drea1984]

I think you would “sober up” like a shot if your daughter needed youX
He’s never aggressive or anything but he’s not “him” as he normally is when he’s drinking. I also hate sick so I get scared he might be sick if he drinks a lot (which has only happened once).
I find the constant repeating himself & slurring horrible too

 

[Maxine1974]

I think you would “sober up” like a shot if your daughter needed youX
He’s never aggressive or anything but he’s not “him” as he normally is when he’s drinking. I also hate sick so I get scared he might be sick if he drinks a lot (which has only happened once).
I find the constant repeating himself & slurring horrible too

Thank you. I’m glad I posted as it’s been really helpful.
May I ask how it affects your relationship then? Do you ask him to drink less? Will he?
we just can’t seem to find a middle ground. Ideally he’d like me to be tea total like him but I genuinely love my wine and tbh I’m super calm compared to when I was younger (and rightly so I’m older and have more responsibilities etc) I’m just so sick or arguing about it.

 

[Drea1984]

Thank you. I’m glad I posted as it’s been really helpful.
May I ask how it affects your relationship then? Do you ask him to drink less? Will he?
we just can’t seem to find a middle ground. Ideally he’d like me to be tea total like him but I genuinely love my wine and tbh I’m super calm compared to when I was younger (and rightly so I’m older and have more responsibilities etc) I’m just so sick or arguing about it.

I’m on edge to be honest every Saturday night. I hate it. I do ask him to drink less/slow down/not drink the strongest lager available he doesn’t take a huge amount of notice tbh. Recent events & experiences have made me more serious I know while I feel he still wants to be 18. I try to keep in mind his good points! Mainly he is funny & kind so I try to bear that in mind!

 

[Consumerism_fatigue]

As others have said, some counselling sounds needed. I wonder if his frustration is coming from a place of fear? He wants to protect you from danger, which he equates as being imminent when alcohol is involved. That love and fear can quickly turn to anger when they don’t feel listened to, or their advice heeded.

Ideally your husband would see someone alone, which I know can be SO hard to convince them to do.

His demands are unreasonable though, from what you’ve said. 1 bottle over an evening is fine and if it makes you feel great, then that’s part of your own self-care.