Advice for dealing with current thoughs about a historical situation

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

TRIGGER WARNING - Domestic Abuse.

When I was a teenager I was in an abusive relationship. We had a child. We split up when our child was a few months old, then briefly got back together but separated permanently before they were one.

During the relationship he was controlling from very early on, removed me from my friends, hurt me physically on several occasions. There was sexual violence and he did things that could have killed me twice (whilst verbally telling me I was going to die). He also tried to commit suicide twice. The second time I was able to alert people and fortunately he was found (unconcious) and rushed to hospital.

This was a long time ago. Twenty years. I really felt I'd dealt with it all. However he died recently and suddenly I'm re-living things like they were yesterday. I'm remembering details that I'd forgotten but the memories are really close up, like they are right at the forefront of my brain. Sorry it's hard to explain.

I have enough psychology knowledge to know this is normal in that it's happening because now my brain feels it's safe to explore but it's really hard.

Anyone got any advice? Thanks.

 

[rather not stop]

I couldn't read this and not reply but sadly I have no advice for you. I truly hope you're OK and have people around you to chat to x

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I couldn't read this and not reply but sadly I have no advice for you. I truly hope you're OK and have people around you to chat to x

Thank you. I am ok. I'm talking to my husband a bit but I don't think he really understands why it's a problem now.

When he moved in I still kept a chair leg under my bed. My ex stalked me for a long time and broke into the house twice. My husband knows everything that happened but I just think for him it was ages ago.

I should add that around the same time as I met my husband, my son started seeing his dad again (age 4). He hadn't been allowed to see him before because it wasn't safe.
My ex was in a new relationship, had children, was never violent to his partner and did have a relationship with our son. It was a complex relationship because he was an alcoholic.

Sorry I'm waffling. I am ok mostly. I can work as normal etc. It's just creeping up at quiet moments.

Thanks for replying!

 

[rather not stop]

I can't imagine what that was, and still is, like for you. Trauma like that never goes away - and it being brought back to the surface like this must be awful for you. I can recommend counselling for talking through this kind of thing - I was referred by my GP. At the time I thought it was extreme and unnecessary but in retrospect it really did help.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I have the same problem with recurring thoughts about the past.
I tried an MBST technique and am looking into EDSR and CBT.
I think this eye movements therapy could be really helpful

 

[Cunderthunt]

It’s ok to grieve. When we grieve people who have hurt us, it’s natural for that grief to take the form of negativity about what they have done to you. When my uncle who was violent to me died, I felt angry about what he had done and replayed certain incidents in my head. I ended up shouting at the sky in anger, but the incidents hadn’t upset me for years before that.

No matter how long ago, he was the father of your child and one of your first important relationships. No matter how bad it was, he was a part of your life, and has a connection to you through your son. It is valid that regardless of the length of time, you will have to process a sense of loss, however that manifests itself. As your brain keeps replaying the memories, I think it will become clearer what your emotional needs are. Give yourself permission to feel however your brain wants to feel.

Sending love and best wishes x

 

[Mustard]

You could call Cruse Bereavement Care. Their website is cruse.org.uk. They also have a helpline. They are open today from 10 am.

 

[Gembo]

No advice but just want to say that I’m sorry you’re experiencing this now. It might be worth looking into counselling or something like that and writing here is a good first step of getting some of it out of you. Take care of yourself and I hope that your son is ok xx

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Thank you for all your helpful and kind replies. I hadn't really considered counselling for myself, although my son is going to have some. It's certainly something for me to consider.

The permission to grieve advice is particularly helpful and it's comforting to know that what's happening and what I'm feeling has been experienced by others in similar situations.

I've felt quite guilty about remembering all the negative things because I'd moved on and didn't hold it against him. We actually had quite a friendly relationship as my son grew up because obviously we had to be in contact a lot because of him. Still, the brain is a weird and wonderful thing!

 

[Countrybumpkingirl]

Reading this broke my heart for you. I am so sorry you are having to go through this again. As another poster mentioned EDMR may be worth looking into, it sounds like you would be an ideal candidate and whilst it can be quite hard work at first from what I understand it can be completely life changing. Glad you have a good support system in place though xx

 

[Taythomlau]

I've had EDMR treatment and it's amazing, completely filed away traumatic memories I had and was experiencing flashbacks/intrusive thoughts about.

 

[Motherpuffin]

I’m so sorry you’re experiencing this. Especially during current world events, it definitely intensifies all emotions. I had a different type of trauma 20 years ago, it was a violent one and it reared its head when my child was little and I had two years of counselling and it honestly saved my life. I unpacked all of it, because I was having panic attacks and thought that the trauma being at the front of my mind would prevent me from being a good mum. I still get triggered by things but I can very quickly take a step back and identify that I’ve been triggered and have coping strategies as a result of the talking therapy. I still have bad days but they’re very rare now.
please don’t feel bad that the worst bits of your relationship with your ex have come to the surface, that’s totally natural, in time you will probably start remembering the good things too. Hope you can get the help and support you need x