Adult friendship advice

[NeighbourhoodWatch]

I know this has nothing to do with OP but has anyone noticed on here that there is alot of shaming influencers or whatever for having no friends? Comments like 'no wonder they have no friends' or 'they have no friends its odd' or 'they only do things with their family'. Anyway its starting to bug me, just wondering what that's about

 

[Bagpuss75]

Stop considering them as friends , excluding one person like this is really tit behaviour and the one you think is your best friend is anything but .

I see that now dont really have a lot of friends was clinging on.. But I seen them for what they are at last.

 

[Practically Perfect]

I am 48 and will tell you this; do not waste time on people who make you feel unhappy. I have lost count of the times i have told my daughter "she is not your friend!" and then have to wipe the tears when ''she" shits all over her again.

Life isnt an episode of friends unfortunately and you are not inadequate if you dont have a multitude of people pretending that they like you and say that they are your mates. If they make you feel tit, move on.

I have not once thought " oh i wish i had stayed friends with so and so" but i have often thought "i am glad she is not in my life anymore". I would rather have one close friend than dozens of aquaintances.

And how do you know who your real friends are? you will know in your heart and gut, if you think "are they my mate?" NO THEY AINT

My best mate is a Bette Davis DVD ( I aleady said i am old) and a brew.

I am always available to be mates but you must love Bette Davis, Books and Bitching about Zoella.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I feel sad that so many of you have felt lonely and excluded. The advice given here has been excellent. For a long time in my life I was a people pleaser and would tie myself in knots to fit in. I often tried to befriend the popular, loud types - who I've since realised are not always my kind of people. I moved schools a lot so I became adept at being a chameleon. If I found someone was a bit unfriendly and aloof, I would think it was my fault and immediately try and get them to like me by asking questions and being very positive. Flattering them. It was exhausting as I am a natural introvert. It never really worked either and I started to despise myself for being such a suck-up.

Some women are very passive aggressive and if they don't like you, instead of being rude to you, they are especially nice to everyone around you. It makes you feel left out and excluded but nobody else notices.

After years of this, I gave up. I try not to give so many compliments and be so impressed with people's stories. You have to make sure that they show interest back. I read a book which said that after a while into a friendship you should ask them for a favour and see if they oblige, or maybe for once be late and see if they complain. You shouldn't always be the one doing all the organising, the giving, accepting less than good manners e.g. being late, not being listened to, etc. This is for your self esteem.

Since then I have found I am a lot happier. I do have some good friends and I really enjoy their company. Others I know aren't that nice, so I don't put so much effort into their nonsense. I don't act over interested in everything they say and I avoid them when I can. You only have one life, and there are decent people out there, you just have to find them.

That is fantastic advice! I am 100% going to try the "favour test"!
My pet hate is passive aggressiveness and unfortunately women are great at it.

 

[Raininvain]

I know this has nothing to do with OP but has anyone noticed on here that there is alot of shaming influencers or whatever for having no friends? Comments like 'no wonder they have no friends' or 'they have no friends its odd' or 'they only do things with their family'. Anyway its starting to bug me, just wondering what that's about

I'd say jealousy and just being generally nasty, some people cant help themselves. A woman I know always used to witch about other friends having no friends, especially this one woman. She was very close to her family and would drop the other woman when her family wanted to do things at the last minute. The bitchy friend used to slag her down saying she couldn't cook, could only buy things for them from Iceland etc. It was because she was very jealous as her own family didnt bother much and were nasty/borderline abusive themselves. She was also peeved because she couldnt get this woman to do jobs and favours all the time for her.

 

[Shestheman22]

My best friend from secondary school stopped talking to me about 4 years ago and I never found out what I did to make it happen: she blanked me in the street, didn’t tell me when she got engaged, stopped all happy birthdays etc. I gave up making contact after a while. I found out that I wasn’t invited to her wedding (I thought at least for old times sake you know?!) and deleted her of all socials as I found it too upsetting to see her plans and pics with her new friends who are all her blokes friends girlfriends/wives etc. She seems to have dropped a lot of other school friends too. It sounds horrible but I was secretly happy when her wedding was cancelled due to covid.
Nowadays I have a handful of old uni friends and work friends but no one close by who I can call upon for a spur of the moment shopping trip or drink. Those who are close have kids so everything needs planning weeks in advance. I tried joining gym classes and groups to help meet new people but felt very shy and vulnerable meeting new people when I’m all sweaty with no make up on. Now that’s all stopped due to covid.

We sound so similar, can we be friends I’ve noticed it’s always me that makes the effort and when I don’t, I don’t hear from them! Starting to think there’s something wrong with me.

 

[TruffleTrifle]

We sound so similar, can we be friends I’ve noticed it’s always me that makes the effort and when I don’t, I don’t hear from them! Starting to think there’s something wrong with me.

Of course And yes eventually I gave up making an effort she had moved to another city by this point and I offered to drive up to see her (she doesn’t drive) and it was either ignored or excuses even when she was back like once a month to see her family. Friendship version of “just not that into you” really!!

 

[Justhereforacreep]

I used to have large groups of friends in my early twenties but they were so bitchy and I was more friends with them for going out than actually enjoying their company
Fast forward to being 28, being super close with my boyfriends sister who I speak to everyday and I have a handful of other friends I speak to on a regular basis.
I’m very quiet though and enjoy my own company and I feel becoming comfortable with my true unsociable self has helped me realise I don’t need to entertain tit friendships for the sake of it!

 

[Rachx89]

Awww gals I relate so much to this! I’m in my early 30s recently single and realising all my friends are settled down and I feel I’m on my own a lot!

 

[Flossy2019]

Has anyones friends fell away since having a baby?
I feel like i have noone and ive lost my confidence a bit.
Has anyone felt like this and does it get better?

My best friend of 10 years stopped talking to me wen I was pregnant ( she said she doesn’t think I would have time for her now I was expecting ) and we haven’t spoken since .. my son is one and a bit. But I made a new best friend. Some “friends” show their true colours and we are often better off without them. Hope you’re ok x

 

[Step-by-step]

My best friend of 10 years stopped talking to me wen I was pregnant ( she said she doesn’t think I would have time for her now I was expecting ) and we haven’t spoken since .. my son is one and a bit. But I made a new best friend. Some “friends” show their true colours and we are often better off without them. Hope you’re ok x

She was never your best friend hun, sounds like she was jealous.
So called friends finally show their true colours.. those people were never real.

 

[Flossy2019]

She was never your best friend hun, sounds like she was jealous.
So called friends finally show their true colours.. those people were never real.

When I told her her first reaction was son negative. And she would send me videos of women giving birth - not what I wanted to see. She wouldn’t drive to my house to swap Christmas presents- I didn’t want to leave the house as I was tired from work etc and she couldn’t come two seconds out of her way on her way home from work to come and see me. It’s a shame and I do think of her often but I have another friend in her place I guess who is ten times as caring and what a friend really is so it’s a blessing in disguise xx

 

[Step-by-step]

When I told her her first reaction was son negative. And she would send me videos of women giving birth - not what I wanted to see. She wouldn’t drive to my house to swap Christmas presents- I didn’t want to leave the house as I was tired from work etc and she couldn’t come two seconds out of her way on her way home from work to come and see me. It’s a shame and I do think of her often but I have another friend in her place I guess who is ten times as caring and what a friend really is so it’s a blessing in disguise xx

Real jealousy hun definitely and sending a pregnant woman birthing videos is not what best friends do..
Her lack of effort speaks volumes also.
I agree & also can relate that it is a shame, we are only human & our minds do often wonder back to when things were good as we thought.
I’m so glad you have a good caring friend now, people are often removed from our lives to make way for better people & things x

 

[slugella]

Not completely on topic to the OP but thought it was relevant enough to avoid starting a new thread - hope that is ok!

How much you expect friends to check in with certain things? For example the past year I feel a big lack of interest. Some close friends forgot my birthday, didn't ask or show interest about an important job interview, I had a funeral for a relative in Jan and no one remembered or checked in during that time, I'm doing CBT for anxiety and no one has ever asked how it's going.

I don't mean to sound really self centred and I of course understand sometimes people genuinely forget and are busy, but it seems like no one has any interest or makes an effort. I make the effort to remember and ask about things and never feel it in return. I feel like I spend all my time talking about the other person in conversations which i don't mind as I am genuinely interested but recently am really noticing the unbalance.

Am I being too sensitive?

 

[jackolantern]

Not completely on topic to the OP but thought it was relevant enough to avoid starting a new thread - hope that is ok!

How much you expect friends to check in with certain things? For example the past year I feel a big lack of interest. Some close friends forgot my birthday, didn't ask or show interest about an important job interview, I had a funeral for a relative in Jan and no one remembered or checked in during that time, I'm doing CBT for anxiety and no one has ever asked how it's going.

I don't mean to sound really self centred and I of course understand sometimes people genuinely forget and are busy, but it seems like no one has any interest or makes an effort. I make the effort to remember and ask about things and never feel it in return. I feel like I spend all my time talking about the other person in conversations which i don't mind as I am genuinely interested but recently am really noticing the unbalance.

Am I being too sensitive?

I quite often forget things in my friends lives and it's a terrible trait. It's genuinely not that I don't care I am just so caught up in my own stresses that it completely slips my mind. It's not that I forget entirely just often that a few days later I think something like "Oh I should have asked how that interview went" etc. I always feel very bad and apologise when I remember. I tend to not have that issue with very serious things like health etc, or atleast would make a very specific point of writing it down or something. None of my friends seem to mind too much but then they do the same to me lol.