Accepting I’ll probably never get my money back

[CosmicCreepers]

Hi everyone,

I’ll keep it short and sweet but I just wanted if anyone else has been through this and how I just learn to accept it and move on. Last year I found out things that have been going on secretly for 3 years with my Mum and it turns out that she had gotten herself in £4,500 of rent arrears. I don’t want to share the details of why but it’s been semi-resolved and I’ve not lent her a penny since I didn’t truly believe I’d get back.

As I had my last rent payment cancelled for my accommodation at university due to leaving early (COVID) I had enough in my savings to pay the arrears off and after begging her to let me help (eviction was imminent if nothing was done) I transferred her the full amount. I left myself with over £1,000 in savings which I have steadily been building up since however I had to get all new tech equipment this year so my student loan was stretched more this year (ended up spending over £900). However this was all affordable and I still have savings left that I’m still building on as time goes by.

My Mum has always promised me to pay me back eventually when she can afford it, she has other priority debts right now which I’ve verified aren’t just excuses to not pay I.e they are real. I’m pretty certain I won’t have anything close paid back in the next 3 years unless she wins the lottery or something.

I don’t feel bitter as I know if I need financial help I can ask my Dad (my parents aren’t together) but sometimes I do sit there and think “Jesus what if I need that money in the future.” I know to some £4,500 is a lot or a little but I’m just worried I’ve made a big mistake. I know I can’t change it, nor do I believe in regrets but I do think about what would have happened if I hadn’t have transferred that money. More debt would have been accrued and there’s no doubt my Mum would have been evicted and on the streets.

Sorry for the long post I guess I didn’t keep this as short as I could but I’ve not told a soul about this and needed to vent.

 

[judgejohndeed]

Are you 100% sure she’s used the money to pay off the rent and not for something else?
Given that you’ve said you’ve already done it and you want to move past it, here’s what I would focus on (because I know people will tell you it’s not your responsibility etc etc but it’s too late for that now).
Firstly, I don’t lend money to family or friends unless I am prepared for and happy to accept the possibility that I won’t get it back. Despite what they promise, it doesn’t always happen. So maybe take a similar approach forward and only lend money that you’re happy to give with the assumption it won’t come back to you.
Secondly she’s your Mum and she’s fallen on hard times. Yes, it’s not your responsibility and you need to manage the situation carefully so that she doesn’t become dependent on you to bail her out. But if I had the money sitting there and my Mum was going to be evicted, I’d do what you did too. I think a lot of people would personally. And if the situation was reversed, I’m sure most parents would want to help you out as well.
All you can do now is move forward with building your savings back up and make sure your Mum knows it was a one off, maybe offer to help her budget etc too.

 

[CosmicCreepers]

Are you 100% sure she’s used the money to pay off the rent and not for something else?
Given that you’ve said you’ve already done it and you want to move past it, here’s what I would focus on (because I know people will tell you it’s not your responsibility etc etc but it’s too late for that now).
Firstly, I don’t lend money to family or friends unless I am prepared for and happy to accept the possibility that I won’t get it back. Despite what they promise, it doesn’t always happen. So maybe take a similar approach forward and only lend money that you’re happy to give with the assumption it won’t come back to you.
Secondly she’s your Mum and she’s fallen on hard times. Yes, it’s not your responsibility and you need to manage the situation carefully so that she doesn’t become dependent on you to bail her out. But if I had the money sitting there and my Mum was going to be evicted, I’d do what you did too. I think a lot of people would personally. And if the situation was reversed, I’m sure most parents would want to help you out as well.
All you can do now is move forward with building your savings back up and make sure your Mum knows it was a one off, maybe offer to help her budget etc too.

I have verified it was indeed for rent arrears as I was worried about if it was for something else she was hiding. Thank you so much for the advice it’s definitely taught me to be extra careful in future and weigh up if I am able to lend it or not. It could have been so much worse and I know deep down it’s happened for a reason, whether it’s a life lesson in disguise or not.

 

[whathastheworldcometo]

I have been in the same situation before, more than once.

I made peace with it by saying:
- I showed integrity and helped when needed
- I will be ok without the money

 

[LaurieLaurie]

She could have negotiated a payment plan instead of ignoring it for so long.

I’d be surprised if the money was used for her rent arrears in all honesty and I’d have wanted to pay directly if it was me but it’s done now. She can’t pay her bills so isn’t going to pay her daughter is she?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Do you know for certain that the money you gave her actually went straight to her unpaid rent? Did you see proof of this? What’s she doing now to sort her finances out to avoid this ever happening again?

 

[kadykal95]

£4,500 is a lot of money. But she is your mum and she was going to be evicted. You did what most people would have done if they could afford it. Theres absolutely no point thinking now what if i need that money in future or was it a mistake. Forget it and move on.

Whatever the issue was that led to the unpaid rent needs to be addressed though, if she needs support or assistance try to help her sort that out. You can't and shouldn't be expected to bail her out again.

 

[Bad Karma]

One way I'd reconcile it in my head is to think... would I give it more head space and be more stressed if a) I gave my mum the money to help her out, may or may not get it back, and may or may not need it in the future or b) my mum being evicted.

You're not responsible for your mum in anyway, but sounds like you've wanted to help and support her as best you can. You've done the thing that sits right by you and its understandable to have the 'What if' worries but it also seems like if you'd went for for alternative, there may have been a lot more 'definite' worries. Hope this makes sense x

 

[Scorpihoe]

I think the fact that it’s a lot of money and a massive chunk of your savings is why you’re thinking over it. At the end of the day, it’s done, and your mum isn’t on the streets, so you have to look at it like that.

for now though, try and focus on yourself and building your savings back up. If you really needed something and didn’t have the money/you needed to pay rent, you said you could ask your dad for help. I know it’s stressful but if it makes you feel better, I think you did the right thing (what I would also do).

I’ve thought about lending money to family quite deeply and there’s only about 3 people I would lend large amounts of money to. I’m quite confident they are doing well enough (touch wood), they would never need it. But I know if I lent it to them because they were truly struggling, I love them enough that I wouldn’t even care if I got it back

ask yourself if you are okay with the fact that you may not get that money back and how this will impact your relationship with your mum x

 

[newtoyou]

Someone close to me gave a family member around 30k over the span of 10 years. They always promised to pay her back but rarely did. She became so angry over it. Eventually she moved overseas and they never speak. My advise would be to think of that money as non existent. She would wind herself up so much imagining what she could’ve done with that money. It’s not worth your mental health. But you did a generous thing to help your mum out